A Study in Stress

More specifically, A Study in Stress and its Effects on the Human Body.

Hi. I'm the Human Body. I'm stressed.

Oh, I hear you all out there. "But Michael, you're never stressed! You're always happy and chill and positive and happy! How on Earth can you be stressed?" Okay, so maybe you're not saying that, but I imagine that you are, and that's the point of the matter!

Anyway, there are several contributing factors to the increased stress levels in my life, these days. Would you like to read about them? You wouldn't? You'd much rather read about some pan-fried spinach and golden garlic chips (recipe featured here: http://tinyurl.com/248mpvg) ? Well, you can do that later. Right now, I'M DOMINATING THIS BANDWIDTH. MWAHAHAHAHA!

Okay, so three caffeinated beverages in four hours may not be a good idea for future blog days. Or any day, for that matter. I'm like a squirrel on crack. Sans the fluffy tail. Although I do have fluffy hair. I need a haircut. Balls!NOUN!

...Uh, sorry. The fingers ran away with themselves. I honestly don't think that being stressed, sleep-deprived, and fueled by Starbucks Caramel Macchiato ice cream and Pepsi are the best conditions for writing a blog, but hey, we'll call it an adventure!

In case you're wondering, I bought Dillons out of Starbucks Caramel Macchiato ice cream on Sunday morning. I was hung over, and it just seemed like a good idea, at the time. I cleaned off half a pint in my 16 mile drive home. That stuff is like CRACK* to me, and I don't even LIKE the taste of coffee. But dang, this stuff is 2L2Q**. Delicious and a half.

SOANYWAY, back to the sources of stress in my life. Time to make a list. I love making lists. It's my obsession. 

1) I have NO clue what I'm going to major in at ESU. I tossed around a few options for literally hours last night, and I still have no clue what I want to do. I wish I could describe the level of uneasiness that this causes me to reach. I'm a list-maker. A planner. A person who, while possessing and maintaining the (sometimes infuriating) ability to be completely spontaneous, has the uncontrollable urge to make Lists, and when he makes Lists, MUST STICK TO THE LISTS. If I don't stick to The Lists, I feel all guilty. I swear I've got a Jewish mother somewhere in the Ether, and every time I don't follow The List *cough...or my marathon training grid* she stands behind me, nags at me about not learning my Hebrew well enough for my Bar Mitzvah, and says "Oh, my little Mensch, WHY must you do this to me? You give me grey hair and cause me to drink. Now be a good little mishuggenah and go get Mommelah some Manischewitz. Your Aunt Lily is coming over, and Gawd knows I'll need some help." 

Maybe I'll just get a philosophy degree and decide to be a drifter. Or not, because even thinking about that just makes my skin crawl. Drifting = not my style. So, if any of you are familiar with the ESU majors available to a 22 year old Renaissance Man with too many interests and would like to offer an opinion, please do. We have reached a Code Red, as far as life planning is concerned. If I don't have a list made by Friday, I'm not responsible for what may happen. All I can predict with accuracy is that booze will be involved. Booze and pool time. And a complete lack of productivity. And we just can't have that, so please, help.

2) Um...what is this list about again? Oh yeah, stress-causers in this Human Body's life. Uh...shit. I can't remember what else is stressing me out.....

*WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO......"please stand by"....OOOOOOOOOOOOO*

(That was the Indian Screen that used to be on tv way back in the day when there were technical difficulties. Did you see the resemblance?)

OH. I just remembered. My job. My job stresses me out. A lot. The landscaping (but in reality, mowing) job, that is. I kinda hate mowing, anyway, and when I sit on a mower at one of our high-profile properties, or even see my buck-passing, snide-comment-making, overall-douchey-acting supervisor, I get even more stressed. And I work 10+ hour days with this guy. It's no wonder I drink.

Well, actually, I drink because booze and I are friends. I drink TOO MUCH because of my job. So, needless to say but I'mma say it anyway, I can't wait for August 4, which will be my last day EVER at Stauffer Lawn & Landscape, LLC. Don't get me wrong, I am SUPER grateful to my Uncle Pete for offering me this job, because I'd be royally effed without it, but mowing is just not for me.  Will never forget Uncle Pete helping me out when I needed it, but mowing is just not for me. Can now stripe out a lawn with the greatest of ease, but mowing is just not for me. Are we getting the theme, here? Awesome. 

NUMBER THREE) Uh...shit I did it again. Think, Michael Dean. Think think think...what else is stressing me out? Oh yeah, I remember. The fact that I'm stressed about other things in my life is leading to some ridiculous bouts of insomnia and fitful sleep. So I'm tired as all get out. All the time. And I kinda don't have any time off to just...rest. So I just kinda get more and more tired each day. Hence the 3 caffeinated beverages and pint of coffee-based ice cream. I'm sorta just living on a latte and a prayer, as the song says. Which song, I don't know, but I know I've heard a song that says that. Or maybe I'm making it up. I don't even know anymore. All I know is that these circles under my eyes are starting to reach a ridiculous shade of....I don't even know what color these things are....eggplant? Yeah, eggplant. All I know is that these circles under my eyes are starting to reach a ridiculous shade of eggplant, and my body is definitely on autopilot. This is such a vicious cycle. MY KINGDOM FOR A VACATION.

Which reminds me, to all of my friends that are currently on or may have just returned from a vacation...*ahem ahem*...I hate you. You get to do all the fun things and I'm stuck here at home being treated like a daft village idiot by my supervisor and I hate you. 

Okay so I don't hate you, but I'm sure you can relate to my feelings. Baahhhh! A bug that somehow just got into the house just flew down my t-shirt. Such an awkward and slightly creepy feeling. I would at least like a shot glass, or hell, a shot, to make up for you all having fun times without me. Kthanks.

Well, I think I've word-vomited just about all I can word-vomit, as far as things that stress me out. Without going into super annoying and personal details about my life that you may care about, but don't really want to know about, that is. So I think I'm going to wrap up this batshit crazy display of random, and go stare at my dark ceiling for an hour or so before forcing myself into unconsciousness. Doesn't that sound like fun?

I thought so.

Hopefully I'll start using this here blog as the cathartic means to sanity that I intended it to be more often, and I can recruit new people to the Cud Cult. Until then, Auf Wiedersehen and Bonne Nuit!

P.S. Shout out to DeAnna! The coolest sober vegan I've never met! HOLLA!

Peace out, yo.

Michael Dean

*Sorry for using "crack" twice within two paragraphs. I swear I don't have a drug problem.

**2L2Q: Too legit to quit. Duh.

************This has been "A Study in Stress and its Effects on the Human Body. Thank you for your time and patience while this study was completed.************

P.S. I promise I won't ever put you guys through this ever again. Sorry, and goodbye forever,

M